With these hands I write with

Well my date with Coty went well.  So well that we are officially dating now.  But, just like every other guy I've dated (and some of whom I haven't) he's already saying that he could fall in love with me.  At least he hasn't said he is in love with me.  Not yet anyway.

He's not overly clingy like Bret was and he's really sweet and laid back.  He's a romantic too, which is always nice.  The only problem is that he lives in Winsburro.  So its kind of like a semi long distance relationship and he talks about how much he misses me.  All week he's been trying to get me to come out and stay the night with him.  We haven't even been dating a week yet!  I finally cracked and agreed to go spend the day with him tomorrow.

I don't know what the deal is with guys and doing all the pressuring they do but its a pain in the ass.  I'm the kind of person who can't say no because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make them feel bad, especially a boyfriend.  But I'm learning to get a backbone.  I've told him no, even when he begs, and I've tried to explain to him that I'm just not comfortable with it.

I'm going to talk to him more about it tomorrow when I go to see him.  I think we just kinda moved too fast on the first date.  I think we need to take a step back and kinda start over.

And, in other news, my internet has been a pain in the ass this week.  This is the most I'e spent online in the past three days.  Apparently when I updated my Mac Leopard with one of the usual program updates it screwed with Airport, which is the way that I connect to wireless.  I don't know exactly what the deal is but now it doesn't want to connect to the internet.  Thankfully I can run Windows off my lappy too so I've been using it to get online.

The sucky problem is that there is a way to fix the problem, but it involves something with the wireless router, which I don't own so I can't fix it.  I'm going to do some more research on it and work on moving some of my files over so I can work on fanfics and junk while I'm surfing the net.  I also need to know if there is a reason why I can't connect to this one specific signal.  Its an open signal and is usually the strongest that I get, but neither Windows or Mac OS X will connect to it.  Its really strange and literally happened randomly the other night.

So needless to say I've been slightly stressed out the past few days but its been worth it.  Jess' party today was pretty awesome.  I saw Josh and Amber and Ben for the first time in a while.  Josh didn't hug me, just shook my hand.  It doesn't really bother me it just strikes me as odd.  If we are over this then I don't see what the big deal is.  *sigh*  Seeing him tonight made me think of all the good times we used to have and made me miss his friendship even more.  But I know I've got to move on.  Its just gonna take time.

I always loose all of my really good friends.

For all of you who may read my journal or just happen to read this post and are a fan of Stephenie Meyer's books LISTEN UP!

I'm sure many of you have heard that, due to one of her trusted friends leaking the first 12 chapters of Midnight Sun to the world, Stephenie has decided to put the writing of Midnight Sun on hold for an unknown amount of time, perhaps indefinitely.  At the website TwilightersAnonymous.com we are collecting letters from fans who support her decision to take this time away from the book to spend with her family.  These letters are heartfelt and touching and we are trying to collect as many as we can before we send them off. 

The owner of the site is in close contact with Seth, Stephenie's brother.  We will be emailing him the link to the letters when we are finished.

So I invite anyone who stumbles across this to please pleas please come check it out!  We started collecting two days ago and already we have 115 letters!  We want more!  So please head over to TwilightersAnonymous.com and check it out!

That's right ladies and gents, I have come back from my grand escape to Puerto Rico. 

And I am exhausted.  My body is already beginning to retaliate against my constant going and going. 

That is why I will make a much longer post tomorrow detailing everything about my trip and posting pictures. 

But for now I'm going to sleep. 
Good night everyone!

You guys are never going to believe this.  I mean it is so wild I'm still having a hard time believing it happened.  But, as tired as I am, I know it must have been real. 

Last night I attending the PANIC! At the Disco concert at a local university.  I didn't make plans to go until two hours before which really isn't that abnormal for me.  But the events leading up to it are just extraordinary. 

The story begins on Wednesday night while I was sleeping. Now, with the medication I'm on, its not uncommon for me to have very vivid dreams that are usually very realistic.  However, over the past week, thanks to my new sleeping meds, my dreams have been pretty normal.  I usually only remembered bits and pieces and even then something had to spark that memory.  But the dream I had Wednesday night I don't think I will ever forget. 

It started off as a crazy jumble of all sorts of different, random things that really made no sense at all.  There was an instance of climbing this artificial mountain which doubled as a chat room and after finally coming off of that I made it into a shop with my grandparents, looking at exotic pets (including one awesome monkey).   It was as we were leaving the store and walking into what I can only describe as a mall plaza (you know, big and open with a really high ceiling) that I looked up and above me, high up was this golden circle and as I walked the face of Jesus appeared briefly.  But as I continued forward he disappeared, so I stopped and took a few steps back until I could see Him again.  As soon as I did the world around me just disappeared and I was surrounded by round, golden room.  The floor was covered with these yellow clouds and everywhere I looked around the room were these round portraits of the angels and the saints and it was so amazing. 

The strange part was that on the walls were the western zodiac symbols.  Not really sure what those were doing there, or why every time I took a step forward the room would spin either horizontally or vertically (which made it like steering a huge ball from the inside) but all I knew was that I had to find Gabriel.  I just had to find the angel Gabriel.  So finally I managed to steer the room around until I found his portrait and he was so beautiful.  He was surrounded by this golden light and he had wavy blond hair and this light skin and these kind eyes.  And he spoke to me and although I can't remember his exact words he basically told me that I needed to be strong because I was never alone.  He told me that he was always with me, watching out for me, and keeping me safe. 

Now in this room, the image of Jesus is still above me and then he spoke and told me basically the same thing.  That I could be strong because I had the Holy powers looking over me and that I could do anything.  And that was really encouraging you know.

After that the room faded away and I can't remember much of the dream after that.  Now, fast forward to Thursday morning.  I had to go into work early. (I work at my church office, helping out my youth minister with stuff.  In fact, I usually only work on Wednesdays, but he needed a lot of help this week.) So I made it in about 9:30 and immediately set to work and was busy running from one end of the church to the other.  While I was doing this I was passing the Sanctuary, which was empty and I just kept having the feeling that I should go inside, so I did.  And I just stood in front for a few minutes and just took everything in and it was like I was in a different world, it was so awesome.   But, I didn't stay long because I had a lot to do so I did leave, but every time I would walk past it after that I was just expecting to see someone sitting in there.  It was weird. 

From my office at church I can see my high school and for a long time I have been wanting to go and visit.  So, I though that I would after I got off.  But as the morning wore on I was just becoming exhausted.  I was so tired and I thought to myself "Well, I'll just go up there tomorrow."  But, as I was preparing to leave I looked over at the school again and I was like "You know, I'm not going to get up on Friday and get dressed up just to visit" so I went ahead and went to visit my old art teacher.  When I got down there I was surprised to see one of my really good friends Christiana in there and she and I hugged and talked and she mentioned that the concert was that night and basically told me that I could go if I wanted to.  I could buy tickets there and they really weren't that expensive. 

For anyone who doesn't know, I suffer from clinical depression and I have a real anxiety about being in a large group of people.  And I knew there would be tons of people there for that concert.  So, at first I was really hesitant, but this was something I wanted to do so badly.  After giving it a little though I told her that if she could pick me up then I would go.   And the rest is history.

It just seems so amazing that I had this dream the night before and it was like God was telling me to go to this concert to prove that I can do more than I think I can.  It was like he was showing me that He and His angels are looking out for me, that I am safe in his arms.  It was just the perfect night and I just wanted to share that with all of you. 

So, apparently, angel's like emo music too.  ^__^

No matter how small my world is, my shoulder never seems big enough to carry it.

Someone I consider wise keeps telling me how young I am and I tend to believe him.  I am young.  Despite what I have been through there is still much I have to learn but at times like this I feel so much older. 

I'm just so tired. 
So so tired.

I just wish there was someone out there who could see right through me.  Someone who can tell when something is wrong just by listening to me.  Someone who can hear me screaming when I'm as silent as a mouse.  Someone who knows that sometimes I need more than words, I need love.

But, I suppose that's what everyone wants, eh?

Oh, by the way, this one is for Herr Major. Because being bad is so much sexier.
Dark Seras

I'm bored. 

Really fricken bored.  There are plenty of things I could do.  Sit down and draw that picture for Suni for her amazing fanfic "Return to Me at Sunrise" or just doodle.  I have several projects and ideas that need to be put in motion but I'm just not feeling it today. 

Nothing to write about.  Finished restoring my Fang to working order with all the music I need to get me through the next few months.  No one around to talk too. 

Has anyone out there ever role played on LJ before?  I know one of my friends used to and it seems pretty interesting.  Usually I rp on Gaia, but that site is starting to bore me.  Would someone mind giving me some pointers?  Or just pointing me in the right direction?  Hell, blindfold me, spin me around really fast and let me wander off on my own and see how many things I crash into, I don't care.  I just want something to do!

Ok, I'm done whining and sobbing now. 

Oh oh!  I made a pretty last night!  I'd show it to you all but its not finished.  Its pretty funny though. 

Yes, I'm jabbering for the hell of it.  You'll deal.  Yes you will.  You will deal. 

Or leave.  That's what I'd do. 

In fact I think I will.

And before anyone asks, yes, I have had my medication today. 

While checking Deviant Art today, I found this link in a friends journal.  I read it and now I am in a state of rage that I cannot even begin to describe in words.  It is sickening and outraging the lengths that the money hounds of this country think they can do!  What makes it worse is that they will probably get away with it! Not if we don't do something to stop them!

I urge all of you, everyone, to please stand up and do something to stop this!  Since I was ten years old I have known that there is nothing more I want to do in life than to be able to draw and paint freely, to sell my work, and be proud to call it mine.  But now, The Orphaned Works, act will put a plug in all of this, deeming that, until I pay money to hold the copyright of my piece (that I have probably spent months preparing for, bought the supplies for, and put my soul into) then I cannot call it mine.  What's next?!  Will mothers and fathers not be able to call their children their own unless they sign some form declaring that the mother went through who knows how many hours of labor to bring the child into the world?!

This country is about to support art theft to the highest degree!  This cannot be allowed to happen!  I don't support the Orphaned Works bill and you shouldn't either!

Haha, and now we see the bad side of my temper.  Just ignore all that above guys.   I over-reacted (again) but have set straight thanks to a few people.  Again, thanks guys, I really appreciate it.  This has just taught me a lesson about being a responsible young adult and researching things instead of acting like I'm fifteen and shouting about something without any knowledge of it. 

Whew, now I really just want to spend some personal time with my sketch book and my Icee.  Not to mention my newly updated iPod.

"What will you do?"

She used to ask me time and time again.  I never knew the specific situation she was thinking of.  Hell, there might not have ever been one.  That's why I refused to answer her.  How can you answer someone if you don't know the question anyway?  Everyday she would ask me that same question and everyday I sat in silence.

But those days of silence between us were the best of my life.  The world turned in her voice and once again I knew what it meant to be human.  Melodies and stories of sun and play invoked fragments of old film lost in the crevises of my mind, like a spell of ancient magic.  Deep inside something began to stir and her final words began my countdown toward the revival of my humanity.

Shackles.  You wouldn't think anyone would use these anymore, espeically with all the technology that has come along.  But I suppose that they trust the shackles that have kept me sill for. . . how many years has it been?  Should I even be counting in years anymore or in lifetimes?

Her time was my only awareness that I wasn't simply sitting still in eternity.  With the multitudes of armed guards as my escorts, and a dress of chains and iron,  I took my first steps into the blinding light.  As my eyes adjusted to the newly found sun her voice sang through my ears.

"What will you do?"

Features that had been etched in stone slowly cracked into a wicked grin.  The warmth of the sun sparked new life under my skin and finally I understood the question.

So, I was left with no choice but to ask myself, what would I do now?

Another story brought in by the chill of darkness and night.  Another spirit wishing to tell its story in passing. 

Take from it what you will, but leave something of the happiness you bring.

The rain continued on all night.  Storming and carrying on like a child having a tantrum. 

But that didn't spoil my fun.  Everything was perfect. Beyond perfect really.  It was a dream come true, I really did enjoy myself.  I believe they enjoyed themselves too.  I'm very blessed to have friends like them.

Its a shame they had to leave.  But at least the sun came out today.

Perhaps that's why I'm in such a foul mood. 

I need to make more icons too. 
All of Seras of course.  After all, she and I are one in the same.

After another peaceful night of sleep thanks to a tiny little pill given to me by my mother, I wake up early, just in time to begin my morning ritual (watching ER and downing a small bottle of cold caffeine).  Today is the day I have been looking forward to all week.  Its Friday, a day celebrated by all children at heart as the end of the week, beginning of the weekend.  A day that twelve years of public schooling has taught me to love and adore and worship as much as my God above. 

However, in the recent months, Friday has become just another day to me; only to be recognized as the day that my friends are free, that now I will not have a limited time to talk to them as I do during the week.  But today, this particular Friday, I have been eager to wake to.  Its familiar to those times not so long ago (I'm not that old) when I would eagerly wait for three in the afternoon to bring a friend home for the night.  For friends, there is nothing better than staying together under one roof for twenty-four hours or more.  Its a joy that I have not felt in years.  As we grow up it becomes something that is forgotten.  Those simple joys.  That is the sick irony of life.  When you are young, you want nothing more than to grow up.  And when you have finally grown up, you want nothing more than to be a child again. 

But, this is not about the sick and twisted irony of it all, but of this morning. 

This morning, a morning that should be viewed in beauty for the daring step forward that I am taking.  A morning that should creep by slowly in anticipation for the night to come.  A morning that should be joyous.  Instead, a chorus of thunder and a shower of razor sharp rain drops beating against my window is what this morning brings.  The sky is as black as night and the wind roars like a crazed lion outside my room. 

Storms I love.  Something I once feared I have now tamed in my heart and usually I spring up and do not think twice about dancing to that amazing song, dancing among the rain drops, especially spring showers.  But today, of all days, I wished for sunshine, something that has been hidden from us all week.  Today, I just wanted sun. 

But, perhaps, the rage and constant energy that a thunder storm brings is more appropriate than the ever so common rays of sun. 

Besides, where is the fun in dancing in the sunlight?

Just a list of ideas I have for crazy crack pictures I'm planning to draw as boredom hits me.

1. Jan being chased by a giant eraser as part of the 4-Kids line.
2. Schro turning down job of telling everyone about 4-Kids for fear of what will happen to him.
3. The cosplay ad. Ha, that'll be a fun series. 
4. Something (else) about Seras and geese.
5. The Great Pumpkin Millennium scene.

You know, you'd think I'd actually do some serious art every once and a while.  But, crack art is much more fun.  Besides, Seras almost killed me.